The Most Frequent Fears About Leaving an Unsafe Relationship

On common, it takes a sufferer seven makes an attempt to go away earlier than staying away from a associate for good. Exiting a relationship is probably the most unsafe time for a sufferer. Because the abuser senses they’re shedding energy, they’ll typically act in harmful methods to regain management over their sufferer.¹

My apply focuses on working with victims and survivors of relationship trauma, together with home and intimate associate violence, in addition to household trauma. Whereas every story is exclusive and each survivor navigates their state of affairs otherwise, I’ve seen a standard theme for why survivors don’t go away.

A perception that it’s “not that dangerous” or “might be worse.”

That is most typical for individuals who have skilled psychological abuse, however it’s also seen in individuals who report they had been “solely hit as soon as.” Society typically transmits the message that psychological abuse will not be as dangerous as bodily violence.

The lasting trauma from emotional and psychological abuse that I see has brought about me way more concern than most situations of bodily violence. Whereas all abuse worries me, non-physical abuse typically worries me extra as a result of it may so simply go undetected for thus lengthy: in some circumstances, not even the victims could concentrate on it. Its skill to fly beneath the radar offers it extra energy to trigger lasting injury.

I typically have sufferers say to me, “I didn’t even know that what I skilled was abusive,” once we talk about their tales. Sadly, even had they identified, few reliable protections exist to cease it.

Our present, slim understanding of home abuse as solely bodily violence offers higher assist for the abuser than the abused. Because of this, everybody who sees non-physical violence, together with the victims, can really feel powerless to cease it. Even when a sufferer acknowledges their associate’s non-physical violence as abusive, the one method they’ll hope to get authorized safety from it’s to attend for it to turn into bodily first. A unstable state of affairs ought to by no means have to return to bodily violence for individuals to acknowledge that a person wants safety from the legislation.

A worry that it’s going to worsen in the event that they go away.

Fears of retaliation are an actual and current risk for a lot of who’re making an attempt to go away unsafe relationships. Many victims fear that the perpetrator will hurt their youngsters, fame, or profession as payback for leaving or as an additional a part of their abuse.

Abusers could threaten victims with statements like:

• “In the event you go away, I’ll take the youngsters and you’ll by no means see them once more”
• “In the event you go away, you possibly can kiss your fame and your profession goodbye”
• “In the event you go away, I’ll make your life a residing hell”

Many single moms have been threatened with the withdrawal of kid assist ought to they go away or report any abuse, leaving them with the troublesome alternative of getting to maneuver out on their very own with no monetary assist.

A fame or worry of not being believed.

When the trauma is psychological, observers actually cannot see abuse, typically inflicting relations and social circles to decide on sides. That is clearly a lot much less seemingly if one associate has bruises or a bloody lip. Resulting from most abusers’ tendency to lie, and even level the finger again on the sufferer, many individuals have no idea whom to consider till they see the behaviors for themselves.

Many males with whom I work report fears of not being believed, particularly if their abuser is a girl. Resulting from cultural components and expectations of gender, many males will really feel disgrace and embarrassment when disclosing abuse, in the event that they disclose it in any respect. Males typically expertise extra disgrace in some religions or cultures as a result of expectations of their roles.

A legislation enforcement and/or navy partner.

If one member of the couple or household is a legislation enforcement officer or member of the navy, this will have an effect on the consolation degree of the victims with disclosing abuse. Generally this is because of a worry of retaliation and never being believed and typically that is as a result of historical past of protecting up home violence by these establishments. {Couples} with navy affiliations can have extra issues when reporting abuse to navy personnel and will probably be in danger for disciplinary motion and even discharge.

Being BIPOC.

BIPOC people have ceaselessly expressed a worry and mistrust of the authorized system, as a result of increased charges of incarceration or violence from legislation enforcement. Because of this, BIPOC shoppers could also be extra proof against reporting abuse, disclosing violence, or sharing comparable particulars of their relationships for worry that legislation enforcement might make the state of affairs worse, or fears that they won’t be believed.

A historical past of participating in reactive or self-defense behaviors.

Many courts of legislation or police precincts will consult with equivalent to placing again or screaming on the abuser in self-defense as “mutual abuse,” and even “reactive abuse.” Nonetheless, as a result of its troublesome nature to show, it may typically be a deterrent to victims in search of assist. Because of this, many cops or judges will dismiss circumstances of home violence or refuse to honor safety orders, viewing the case as “mutual abuse,” or seeing the state of affairs as a home dispute as a substitute of a crime.

In courtroom, the decide is the final phrase in justice, however with non-physical abuse, justice is tougher to establish. Judges know assault is flawed, a black and white reply. A bruise is usually all it takes to persuade the decide of home violence, and rightfully so, however every little thing else exists in a gray zone. Harassment, stalking, and in any other case terrorizing a sufferer are all way more troublesome to hunt safety towards—they exist in that gray zone. The authorized system has no protocols for gray.

These previous two years have already pressured so many modifications onto society, and home violence and the way we deal with the non-physical abuse that comes with it ought to be one in every of them. Not solely did pandemic confusion make efforts to hunt justice more difficult for victims of home abuse, however it additionally shined a highlight on the place the authorized system was already failing them. If COVID-19 laws are going to drive us to make main modifications to the economic system, training, and authorized system anyway, my query is easy: Why not change it to one thing higher?

Excerpted, partially, from my ebook, Invisible Bruises.

In the event you, or somebody you recognize, is experiencing home violence or an unsafe relationship, name the Nationwide Home Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE.